last thursday - i went to the beach and EVERYONE from school was there. we played volleyball and it was tons of fun even if i still suck. then was graduation. it was really sad, and i had to go cuz of band. it didnt really hit me that some of my friends arent coming back next yr. all the srs were crying like im sure i will when i graduate and everyone was real sentimental. the speakers were lousy, except the valedictorian and salutatarian [not quite sure i spelt that one right] he's in band + loves himself + is yale bound, so im not even worthy to comment. but he had alotta good quotes in it, so nothin bad to say. afterwards i saw kimmie and gave her a big hug and told her how much im gonna miss her. that reminds me to call her this week. then my parents dropped me and liss and steph at steph's house and we chilled for a little while. we were gonna go swimmin but we were too lazy. we pigged out like whoa and i was home for 10, went to sleep and that was that.
friday - im pretty sure i worked. yep. i did. 4-8. i didnt do anything in the morning. i had a lesson and it went really bad. im starting to not work as hard on my music and its showing. i procrastinate and im lazy and dont feel like practicing, i need to get this all state piece and sonata done and so far its shit. i feel like the flute is giving up on me. im not a technical player. i play the only way im good at, from the heart. its the only thing im truely good at and when it gets challenging i cry,shit my pants, worry ill never have a career, and put the $1000 burden back in its case. its a shame, it really is. i need to be more serious about it, but im terrified -absolutely scared shitless- that im jus gonna be another person who played in the high school orchestra, did a few competitions, and then became a teacher and stopped. nope, i dont want that. solo, group.. just PERFORMING is my life and its like grains of sand slipping through my fingers. i dont like challenges, i like being me. but you cant get worse, you're only supposed to be getting better. or you're supposed to. i just really want this so bad, i want to be good. but i HATE practicing and I HATE not understanding or trying hard and not getting something. it happened in lax, in elections and over my dead hot pink nail painted body is it gonna happen to my music. its in my blood and in my dreams and its not getting pushed aside. thank you.
after my lesson i worked. it wasnt easy and my feet hurt but it was a better day. then i went to play pool with ash, eri and jess. i was home for 11 and fell asleep.
saturday morning, bright and early, i went to work, it was my bros bday so i bought him a visor at old navy + the eminem cd. i felt bad i wasnt gonna be around. he's been such an asshole lately cuz he and my parents are at it constantly. he's going through that stage where hes growing up, and he's only 14. sometimes i wanna punch him in the jaw. other times i want to cry and tell him im sorry for always being the bitchy older sister. he used to make me breakfast in the morning and i would scream at him for waking me up. or he'd try to give me a compliment and id call him retarded and tell him he's corney. when we were kids i used to LOVE the kid. i constantly was hugging him and playing games with him and taking him for rides in my barbie car. we were insepereble. now its all different and we're both shit heads. i just hope he doesnt get older and do something stupid.
after work on saturday i went to the block party with kar + elisa + corinne. we chilled and ate sooo much food. lissa was there with ronnie, amanda and paul, and jenn and her bf. i felt so left out. everyone was paired off and shit, and i was lonely. i just wish i had a bf. all of us were bitching about how we felt stupid around the couples, so we kinda hung out as 'us'. then corinnes bf showed up and she was with him. everyone knows 3's a crowd so i was left out with kar and li. the corinne and us started talkin about her pregnancy and she was telling us how her mom was there for her, and she was in so much pain. i cant believe she's had a kid. i mean, shes only 15 and a sweetheart. she drinks and does weed sometimes, and she hangs out with some bad asses. but shes not a bad kid. and shes a model, too. she just made some wrong decisions. i just dont understand that shes never home. her mom takes the baby all the time while shes partying. mine would kill me. atleast they got her daughter baptized. afterwards her bf came back and brought us some vodka but i didnt feel like drinking. we went swimming and ate a ton of food, and at 11 meech and ann came from work, and then we left and i was home a little later. i was exhausted, sunburned and wanted to sleep in my central air conditioning.
sunday was terrific. i was at work from 8-130 and it wasnt too crowded. i didnt have any bitchy customers and it was kinda quiet. i went home and we had a small party for my brother. my aunt and her kids and husband came over and we rented corky romano + ate all cookout food. it was kinda fun ;] afterwards i went to see scooby doo with jenni, ash, eri and jess. it was mad funny. i didnt realize it was all about pot. thats why they're always hungry, from smokin. and scooby snacks? HELLO! what a dumb 9 yr old i was. they wanted to meet some corney ass kids from school so we went to the beach again and it was gay as hell and i was bored as shit and was in a bad mood. they act kinda stupid sometimes. i went home and fell right to sleep. after another piece of ice cream cake ;]
today is monday. and boy does it feel like one. i woke up kinda early and got my act together. i called kar and they wanted to go to the beach around 12 so i walked to kars and ann's sister picked us up and we went to the beach. meech, ang, nikki and some other ppl frmo school were there and we played volleyball and layed out for an hour. then we decided it felt so desert-y and went to swim at li's house. we only took a quick dip cuz we thought her pool was gross, and ann's sister picked us up again, brought us to burger king and i got a cherry freezy. then i went home, practiced [hmm..] and jess called. we were gonna go to the gym but im too comfortable. i have driver's ed at 6, and andrea might come with me. then, im sleeping!!!!